ABC (Annoyance, Bliss, Constant practice)

There I sat, sitting on a swing, speaking to my spirit. It was a Friday, early morning. I had just gotten off work at the coffee shop after only a few hours of sleep the night before. The sun was shining, the rays of light tickling the tip of my nose. I don’t know if I have ever felt such a good breathe of air before. You know that of breathe when your entire body feels like it is breathing? A crisp blanket makes your limbs just a little bit chilly, and as you inhale, it feels like a bonfire heating up your soul. That is breathing. That is living.

As I sat on my front porch and tried to make myself write something for the first time in about a week, I realized how alive I am becoming. And it is strange when you start to come to life, because you often don’t realize that you felt dead inside before that point. And dead inside sounds a bit mellow dramatic. I don’t mean it like that. I wasn’t depressed, maybe for a small second at the end there I was getting close, but I guess I had been living with this constant suppression of my soul. And it wore on me. It affected me both internally and externally. And as I am now surrounded by people who support my spirit, I find those layers of defense slowly dissipating. And my body feels it too.

I feel happy. Like really happy. About everything. And yes, I 100,000% feel sad too. But I am allowing myself to feel it. And you know what…. it’s not so bad. And it goes away. Every moment feels like breath. The good and the bad. So I just keep breathing. And I feel myself coming back to life one inhale at a time.

And you know what is astounding? How I can go from feeling beautifully blissful to completely annoyed with the ring of a phone. I went from that amazing moment of being in my breath to really frustrated in a second. Sometimes I just want to shut everything and everyone in the world off. Because I can get myself to that bliss state, feeling alive, living in my breath, tranquility through typing my soul.

And then, my phone won’t stop buzzing. Or someone’s simple presence can through me off. I think (I hope) that is normal, but maybe that is just me.

So why is it that people can annoy me so much? Why do I allow it to through me off? Because the reality is, it is not them, it is me.

I believe that we are all one. Every person, every spirit, every blade of grass, every tree. We are all connected and all part of each other in some way or form. I believe there is a purpose for every single person that you meet. Whether it is a stranger who you smile at or someone who cuts you off in traffic to the love of your life, they all hold meaning in your life and come to take part in your journey and help you evolve to your being.

Because we are all one, when I look at other people in the world, I see a part of myself in each and every being. So that guy who cut me off in traffic and makes me really mad at first, why does it make me so mad? Is it because of my own need to feel in control or hold the most power? Or my best friend who I think is a total rock star, that is me too. Why don’t I love myself and see as much beauty in myself as I do her? Every being tells us something about ourselves, teaching us to love ourselves a bit more and how to be patient with those parts of us that we find annoying.

I can sit on my porch swing and write and feel amazing all I want. But the world doesn’t stop. People will never stop coming into my life and destroying my peace (sounds way more dramatic than I actually feel). And I don’t want them to stop coming. I love them, they make me happy. But I need my alone time too. I think that I get thrown off when they enter because perhaps I am not as centered as I like to believe. I am working on it, and I am getting there, but it is a constant practice. Just like meditating, the thoughts will come and they will pass, do not hold any attachment to them when they are there nor when they are gone. When I get that down, when I loose the attachment for this idyllic bliss, maybe then I will truly find tranquility in all things and feel my breath lighting my soul.

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