I don’t know how to let go. Because it is scary. I am forced to face my vulnerability. And my fears. And I don’t know the way out. And I keep fighting it. I keep fighting everything. Clinging to anything. But I have nothing. I know nothing. And I must find peace within that. Not proclaim that I have it, but truly surrender to it. But I am scared shitless to surrender. Because I don’t know what comes next. And I don’t know how to truly trust that it will be alright if I am not working my ass off to make it happen. I don’t know how to work without clear direction. There is a sense of wasted energy putting time into so many things that lead to no where, hoping that eventually it will lead to somewhere.
I don’t know when I got so lost and confused. I don’t know when I lost myself. I don’t know when I stopped loving myself. I don’t know when I started being so hard on myself. Maybe it was there all along and I am just realizing it as I am left stripped of the distractions.
I don’t know how to be with myself right now. I think that is my greatest fear. I know how to distract myself, but I don’t know how to be with myself. In my practice, I will give it my all in the postures, and rush through closing. Because I feel anxious when I am left lying there with nothing but my thoughts, nothing but myself. Right now, I have nothing but myself. I am forced to be on my own and truly know myself. And I am scared because I am learning that there is a lot of darkness there that I was unaware. But it is there.
So I guess all that is left is to breathe, and be with me. Whatever that may mean.