There are a million things I want to say. A thousand break throughs I have been having. But not writing. I am noticing the same pattern in my writing that I do in most every other aspect of life—avoiding it unless I can give it my all or make it perfect. Instead of just being and writing and living and breathing, I fight what is until I can make it what I want it to be. So I will write little blurbs here and there, but don’t share them. Don’t share the parts of myself with the world that I feel I haven’t polished, at least a little bit. And I know nobody (except jack) reads this, and he isn’t judging me. But it still is the internet and maybe one day people will read this and know some pretty deep shit about me. But I guess what is the harm in that? Isn’t that part of the point? Being honest and expressing vulnerability.
So I think I ran away. It started as running away from situations. But it was really running away from myself. And while running I have found that there is nothing left except to face myself. It doesn’t matter where I am or what my situation is. Everything can be chaos or everything can be idyllic, the only constant is myself. As I have been left with nothing but myself, it has made me recognize a lot of darkness, sadness, and loss that I have been holding onto. A lot of shit is there that I didn’t realize. And that is probably why I was running, because I was being forced to face it in some tumultuous situations that I wasn’t ready for. So I ran away (or rather was saved) and brought to peace to figure my shit out.
All of the extremities of my life have been flying out of place. And my focus had been on how to tie those down and find direction for them to move in. But it is becoming more and more clear that the extremities aren’t the issue, it is the core. ((Completely true of my back issues as well, my body loves to mirror my life to help me see things)). One day, I decided to draw myself from the inside out. And I realized that I stopped loving myself. I had been suppressing my personality and things that excite me through college. I didn’t see beauty in myself. I hated my body. I never felt at home and truly at ease. I felt a lack of connection with others. I buried myself in my schoolwork because I didn’t like any other aspect of my life. And I had thought that a lot of this was a good thing because it had forced me to get in tune with myself and guided me closer to yoga and therapeutic practices. But somehow I was focusing more on a lack of external happiness and not recognizing the internal aspects that were broken. I think one of the biggest triggers of graduating for me was that I lost my biggest distraction from the chaos of my life and the only thing I felt I had control over.
I found myself in a new city with my best friend living a life that feels like I am playing house. And still getting upset. Then I realized, there are negatives to every situation (duh) and nothing is ever perfect or what it seems (double duh). But rather than fighting something that is really beautiful because I feel like I should be able to give more, I need to learn to accept the love and the help that I give out to others when it comes back to me. I can accept help and I can be taken care of. And that the situation is not what matters so much, but rather how I face myself.
So I have taken a step back from focusing on the extremities of my life that are flying all around aimlessly and am focusing on my core. I am graciously taking this gift and using it to heal. Letting music save my soul. Letting laughter and friendship bring me back to life. And focusing on what is really going on inside. But this time not as an escape from the outside, but to really get to know what is within. Bringing it back to the core and facing the darkness that is there to prepare for the light that I know will come.
And now it is time to walk the walk. While I am able to intellectually understand these things, that doesn’t mean it all happens at once. In practice it is different and takes time. So new I must learn to love and be patient with myself. And not give up. Never give up. All is coming.