Well, well, well. The last two months have been an emotional roller coaster. I’ve been completely overwhelmed and confused and in constant flux. But guess what, that’s life. Life is always filled with chaos and we need to learn how to acknowledge it, but not allow it to cripple or define us.
Making it to the mat has been full of ups and downs, but most days it has been even more of a struggle than usual. Part of me really want(s)(ed) to quit. I was constantly feeling consumed by guilt and disappointment. (Kinda how I feel about life at the moment, eh?) Disappointed that I couldn’t give my practice my all, that is wasn’t its best, or what I want it to be. Guilty for letting my teacher down, guilty for not following the rules, guilty for knowing that it is good for me and still not wanting to do it, guilty for not wanting to practice, guilty for questioning the practice, guilty for being human. But when I stopped taking it so damn seriously and just stepped on my mat and allowed whatever needed to happen, happen, things start getting better.
Rather than avoiding the mat, I am using it as a space to “allow”, to be easy on my self, not take it so seriously, and to laugh. I am practicing letting go of how I think my practice or my life “should” be, and simply embrace it for what it is.
“Patience is required as well
because if you don’t give time for change,
then maybe you don’t change”
When a beautiful person in my life said “you are living for other people right now, and once you start living for yourself, beautiful things will happen” I felt a moment of sadness and relief. I know that I allow others issues to become my own and I have been working on that for quiet some time. But for some reason when she said this it was like the water became cleared. When everything on the outside is spinning out of control, you get a bit of clarity about the deeper things going on inside of you. More than taking on others issues, I navigate my life choices, from the tiniest daily details to life decisions, with whether or not it will disappoint people in mind. I stress myself out about it 24/7. I think that has been one of the hardest parts of coming home. Living for other people and not myself. Living to not disappoint people. Not because I think they wont still love me, but because of fear. Even though I knot that they everything will be okay if I am not perfect in relationships, fear is still there. I need to live for me. I need to let go of fear. Ultimately, I need to do what is right for me, even if it disappoints other people. I need to stop using others as an excuse to hold myself back.
Most everything worthwhile in life has a point at which it makes you want to quit. You want to give up, throw it all away, and just be done. It seems like things would be better if you just stopped what you are doing and tried something new. And while I do think in some situations you need to do things differently, I think if what you are doing is never hard and doesn’t ever bring you to a point when you want to break, then maybe it isn’t worthwhile. If it isn’t challenging you and there is no room for growth. If it doesn’t make you want to stop, if it doesn’t make you question it, if it doesn’t challenge you, how can you ever learn?
So when you get to the point of breaking, when you frustration has built up, when you want to give up, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming. Or “practice, all is coming”.
And laugh. A lot. I really think that is where the magic is.