Clinging on to control

What is this burning desire to be in control? Or at least to feel like things are under control at all. Why is this notion of control so important to me?

When life starts spinning out of control, we feel like it is unjust. It isn’t what we signed up for, we don’t have what we wanted, and didn’t get to see what we were suppose to. But guess what? We didn’t even have a choice about living in the first place. We cling to be in control of how out lives “should” turn out and what our time on earth is “suppose” to be like. But we never had any say in living in the first place, so why would we all of a sudden be able to determine the details of our daily life when we aren’t even in control of living or dying. We are a miniscule part of something infinite. And in our microscopic existence, we cling to control because we want to feel like we have some sort of power while we are actually powerless. We fight it to the very last second, but we have no choice but to surrender because something much greater has been in charge all along.

I feel like nothing in my life is under control right now. Everything is shifting— I’m not really sure what I want to do or what I am doing right now at all. I don’t feel like I “have” anything (a job, a direction, etc. etc.), which goes to show how much consumerism and external factors form my identity. Things are even more out of control with everyone around me— death, heart disease, cancer. It has been a hell of a month.

I feel like running. But also like my legs are paralyzed. I want to run away. But maybe I need to stay? Or maybe that’s the fear talking.

I need to surrender. I need to embrace that I have no control rather than trying to cling onto every minuet aspect. Some greater force is in action, and while I’m not exactly sure what it is, something is there. I think.

Or does believing that something else is in control simply speak to my need for control, even if it isn’t my personal control, but feeling like something else has it under control fills that void? Can you truly surrender? Not simply the notion of surrendering to something else, something greater than humanity, but surrender to the fact that it may not be under control? Surrender to the uncertainty, not because something else has a plan, but because there is no plan or no answer for that moment. Is that a better practice in letting go of control? Can you do that without being pessimistic? Do we cling to control because we are really holding onto this notion of hope?

It simply becomes clearer and clearer to me that I don’t have any answers, only questions. So here I am, living the questions.

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