Growing up is hard. And I am tired.
Ever feel like your life is a dream? I’ve had this feeling at random moments throughout my life. It typically creeps up on me when I am tired. Ever wonder what the hell you are doing? ((look at my attempts to connect here!)) I mean, it’s a pretty regular occurrence that none of us know what on earth we are doing, but just push through anyway. But ever really wonder what you are doing? What rituals you are taking part of? What beliefs resonate on a conscious and subconscious level within you? What institutions you are a part of? It can be kind of crippling, looking at the big idea like that. Facing the fact that you are a part of many things that you don’t understand. Sometimes I feel like its all crap.
Sometimes it really freaks me out that I am putting so much of my life into this practice. I mean, in retrospect to most Ashtangi’s, I am hardly putting anything into it—I haven’t been practicing a full year, I don’t follow all the rules, etc., etc.. But to me, I feel like I am putting a lot into it for where I am at right now. I spend a lot of time in this shala listening to what I am told, trying to be obedient, and planning to travel around the world to practice, to be obedient because I don’t know what the hell I am doing. I am suppose to surrender to this practice. But I am questioning it. Which I hate, because it is what has stabilized me and I really cannot imagine my life without it. ((odd, as I re-read this, it is exactly how I have been feeling about my family lately— hmm my practice mirroring my life? Never!))
But because of the one and only Richard Handler I have been taught to question everything, so I am looking at my practice with a critical lens, as I try to with everything. Can I question and surrender to the practice at the same time? I feel like the practice makes me less fun. Makes me harder on myself. Makes my back hurt.
But the practice gives me purpose. And maybe the practice is simply making me face the things that have already been there.
How much of myself can I devote to this? And how much am I holding back because of fear? What do you do when doubt arises? How much do you research and how much do you surrender? Zoe always says split the difference ((not necessarily in this situation because I haven’t asked her yet, but I hear her say this in most every other area of practice)).
Questioning everything and not knowing anything– I think that is where my confused frame of mind is coming from. I am re-evaluating everything as I am changing—my relationships, myself, my family, my habits. Right now, I admit that I don’t know. I don’t know anything. In finding myself, I am loosing myself. I may admit it, but I still find myself pretending that I have any sort of control. And I try to act like I know what the hell I am doing so that I don’t totally freak out everyone in my life. But I have no idea.
Why does lack of control make us feel little? It should make us feel stronger, because it means we are part of a force much greater.