My practice is there for me, even when I’m a bad Ashtangi. I wouldn’t call myself a perfectionist. I am not detail oriented and accept that I am flawed. However, I have this intense fear of being “perfect” in relationships. I think that if I am not perfect in relationships, I will lose people. Things will fall apart or people will think less of me. And, in turn, I will think less of myself. I know that it is silly, I shouldn’t allow how others perceive me to reflect how I see myself and deep down I know that if I am not able to be everything to everyone the world isn’t going to collapse. I have fostered these fears from my past. But, I am working on them. My rational mind knows everything will be okay. My emotional mind is taking its time getting there.
This morning I realized that my practice is helping me foster this lesson in my life (definitely not the first time this has happened). When I first started, my practice was sporadic. I would make it to the mat on days when I was following the “Ashtangi rules” and taking days off when I broke them. Because I felt I needed to be perfect in my relationship with my practice. I am well aware that my practice is not, nor will it ever be, perfect. That is nothing I aspire to. But, I sometimes get caught up in trying to be “perfect” and follow all of the rules in my relationship with my practice.
But the reality is, I will never be a perfect Ashtangi. Life happens, sometimes I eat too late, or too much, I don’t get enough sleep, or do activities that fight my flexibility. And you know what, my practice doesn’t care. So what if I have days here and there when I can’t catch in D or my body is slow? My practice isn’t going anywhere. All my practice asks of me is that I show up. Even when I break the rules, it is right there waiting for me. I will never be a perfect Ashtangi, or perfect in any other relationship, and that is okay. That is being human.