Written December 2014
“Such is the benefit of language: By finding public words to describe one’s feelings, one can describe oneself to oneself”
Letting go of myself.
I write countless papers a week. Why on earth in my free time would I want to write more? Well, because my mind is always racing (which is probably why I need yoga and mindfulness so much). My mind is always thinking these big ideas, and as a twenty-one year old college student, there aren’t always people seeking a deep conversation in-between the hours of studying and partying (probably why I hate big parties so much…). But, writing helps me to find a sense of myself. It allows me to work out the thoughts that I have racing in my mind, and learn about their origins and understand them. Writing is mindfulness. It helps me understand myself and in return express myself to others. And I just realized that is exactly what I am trying to bring out in others in my art, mindfulness, community, culture attempts. I have been eager to create a new body of work lately, and I am realizing that my academic work has taken on the profound experience of teaching me about myself as art has. When I teach, I notice that I am typically teaching the lessons I need without being aware that is what I need in my life.
And I realize that my thesis putting into the world what I feel I need and has helped me, in the hopes that others can relate to that as well. I think my desire to give people the tools that helped me to help them is a way of finding connection with others. College has been a pretty lonely experience for me. I have friends, great ones, and I am so lucky. But, I have evolved a lot and changed within myself in ways that I never in a million years would have imagined (though oddly, I think I am becoming exactly who I always wanted to be, as it has always been within me, I am simply encountering the teachers and experiences to water the seeds). As I have changed, I have become disconnected with my peers and my environment. I don’t have many people I can truly share the thoughts in my mind with that understand them (which is probably why I came back to life this summer, being surrounded and truly connected with like minded people, ah I miss you Mali). And now, my studies are directly focused on bringing connection between the self, others, and our environment and I suppose this is because it is exactly the lesson and the healing I need.
Why is understanding myself so important to me? That is what I am constantly trying to do in my racing thoughts on society, culture, and self. Well, understanding the self is the source of everything in our lives. So I suppose it makes sense, but interesting to become aware of.
Thank you, writing, for teaching me. Thank you yoga, for always teaching me in every word, and every breath.