“That’s the thing about pain, it demands to be felt”
I am really good setting my deeper emotions aside and smiling for the rest of the world. At least I think I am. I am scared. Of a lot of things, but mainly my emotions. I’m scared of feeling the bad things. Of losing myself in them. Of not being able to get out of them. Of the tremendous pain and suffering that they bring. I am scared of losing myself in them because the last time I allowed myself to feel those things, before I learned how to shut them off as a survival mechanism, I lost myself in him. I lost control of my emotions. Though I not at the same time, because I allowed him to control my emotions. So maybe I am so scared of feeling those things because it is like he is in control again if I feel bad things. But by not feeling them he is still in control. I am scared that if I feel the bad things I wont be able to escape. They will suffocate me. And they will mean he is still in control of me. Which I hate. But whether or not I choose to feel them, and really by suppressing them, I am giving him control over me still. Not feeling what I feel doesn’t mean he isn’t in control. It means he still is. I am still allowing him to be. By opening the wound, and feeling the pain, I am in control by choosing to feel what is there. And then, this too, shall pass.
I am letting fear be in control. In control of what I feel and don’t feel. Of becoming my true self. But that’s the thing about pain, it demands to be felt. And it, too, shall pass.