Written January 2015
“Just stay, don’t run away”
I am at the point in my practice where I am ready to run. It is getting hard and painful and scary. I am stuck where I am. And I have been for quiet some time. And due to the lack of progress I see myself making, I have chosen to step back, rather than to suffer through it. While I may not be given new postures at the moment, there is still so much good work to be doing in my asana. I have been halfway quitting. I am scared of the commitment required. I fear who I will become and what I will lose in order to sustain and excel in my practice. I am struggling with what I may need to give up to become who I truly am. In my fear of losing who I was and things important to me, I have stepped back from my true self and my practice. I am scared of letting the practice take me away.
It is hard to stay where I am because I am forced to see the scary things. I can’t hide and move past the pain. I am forced over and over again to work through it. To see how my lifestyle affects it. To really explore the “comfortable” postures, making them a new and challenging experience again. Staying is scary because it makes us deeply explore ourselves. Do not pass go, do not collect two hundred dollars. Stay there, work through your shit, and figure yourself out. A lot less fun than passing past Boardwalk for another round without thinking, but much more rewarding— if you can push through it.
“Although we have been made to believe that if we let go we will end up with nothing, life reveals just the opposite: that letting go is the real path to freedom.”
In my practice, I am come closer to connecting with my true self. In becoming who I truly am and finding my true self, yes, I am letting go and losing things and relationships that I love. But they are things that no longer serve me. At least not in their current form. I am not losing them, they are simply taking a new shape in my life, one that serves who I truly am. Things change. Relationships change. Simply because the way we interact with them may be different does not mean that they need to vanish from our lives all together. As I let go of forcing relationships and things in my life to remain as they were, I open the opportunity for them to take a new form in my world, one that honors who I am.
Why am I so afraid of becoming who I am? I think a lot of it had to do it is different from the beliefs I was brought up with. And that scares me. But that is okay. Just because I do not fit in line with the world I was brought up in does not mean that I am wrong or a bad person.
Everything is connected, everything changes, pay attention.