I am a Bad Ashtangi

Written December 2014

I am a bad Ashtangi.

I don’t always practice 6 days a week, I eat after 7pm, I am still suffering through the primary series, and sometimes I take a few days break from my practice. I pitter patter back and forth with wanting to be fully dedicated and wanting to want to be a more normal 21 year old. I keep wanting to want to be fully one or the other. But I want to be both. I want to have a dedicated practice and still be my playful self.And I will be. I will need to let go of things—those things I do not truly want, those things I think I want but are not really me. Taking it one step at a time.

But when I practice, though the rest of my life may become more dull, inside I become more alive. My body is awake, my mind, my soul. But I often find this very hard to communicate with people in my life. I am so blessed to have an Ashtangi friend motivating me and being there to communicate the experiences with. But, I often feel I am losing connection with others in my life. Becoming anti-social, tired when others are awake, awake when other are asleep, and being interested in very different things. But I still deeply love those people. I want to be with them, play with them, and keep my youthful spirit alive. I am torn between my childhood and my practice. There are parts of myself that I do not want to let go of. I need to find balance to keep both—but remember that my practice makes me feel alive for me and also how the important people in my life make me feel alive. The rest shall follow with time. Work hard and be patient.

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